Talking Points

Therapy Could Save A Relationship
Married couple having psychological consultation in office; Talking Points
By Pete Alfano

Whether a person is married or cohabiting, about every couple eventually faces challenges that will test their relationship and potentially drive a permanent wedge between them. Although it has become a cliché to say this, but yes, it is complicated.

Studies conducted by the American Psychological Association show that between 40 to 50% of first marriages end in divorce.  Rather than learning from their mistakes, the rate of divorce in second marriages is 67%, perhaps because they may involve blended families. And the third time isn’t exactly a charm, as 74% of those unions end in divorce. The statistics do not include couples living together as married but not married.

Relationships do not just take care of themselves. They are always a work in progress and require an all-in commitment by both parties. A conflict may arise over one or more issues, such as finances, parenting methods, career aspirations, physical intimacy, behavioral concerns, delegation of responsibilities, and communication. Too often, one or both partners internalize issues and let them reach a boiling point before dealing with them. And then, it may be too late to salvage the relationship.

Confiding in a friend or confidante will just reinforce one side of the story. That is why relationship therapy is often more productive and the best way to deal with what seems like insurmountable problems. The best therapists are neutral and will not choose sides or tell a couple what they should do. A therapist will listen and offer suggestions, but the decision to stay together or end the relationship is up to the couple.

Couples will usually attend early sessions together and voice their grievances, which may come as a revelation to one or both and require a therapist to prevent either from being on the defensive. A therapist may also want to meet with each of the parties individually, especially if one or both find it difficult to be forthcoming when they are together.

There are different techniques a therapist will employ. They have titles but boil down to these: One is to reinforce the couple’s emotional bond and focus on what brought them together in the first place. What do you like about one another? A therapist sometimes asks each partner to put themselves in the other’s shoes and see things from a distinct perspective. If the couple is religious, a therapist may focus them on the spiritual bond they share. There is a saying that “familiarity breeds contempt,” and it is human nature to begin seeing your partner’s warts instead of attributes. Couples should also do things both enjoy on their own time to rekindle the relationship. If children are involved, find a babysitter.

Before you choose a relationship therapist or a psychologist, raise the subject with your partner to see if they are willing to get help. Don’t be surprised if your partner didn’t think there was a problem in the first place. Ask friends or family for recommendations or contact a few therapists to see which appeals most to both of you. Learn whether your health care plan will cover much of the cost.

It is important to remember that relationship counseling is not a contest that either of you is entering to win. The goal is to stay together. If your partner objects to counseling, it still may be beneficial to see a therapist alone to determine whether you can change your behavior to help make the relationship work. The good news is that studies show that counseling improves relationships 70% of the time.  

Love, couple and holding hands outdoor with a smile, care and romance on date in nature Young man and woman happy together on valentines day with trust, peace and support in forest for anniversary; Talking Points

Online Relationship Therapy

Ideally, couples will attend therapy sessions in person. A counselor can better read the body language of both partners and how each reacts to the other’s complaints. But if work schedules or other obligations make it difficult to meet in person, online therapy using FaceTime or Zoom sessions is better than doing nothing. Meeting in person can cost between $100 and $200, sometimes more, if your healthcare plan does not cover relationship therapy. If your plan covers this, coverage may be for a stipulated number of sessions, and the cost may be reduced to a $35 or $50 co-pay, depending on the terms of your plan. Opting for online therapy for those not covered by a health plan can reduce the cost by half.

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